Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul, by John and Stasi Eldredge
October 21st, 2008Book Review by Jacqueline Doyle
“I’m trying to remember when I first knew in my heart that I was no longer a girl, but had become a woman. Was it when I graduated from high school, or college? Did I know it when I married? When I became a mother?”
Stasi Eldredge, in her book Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul frames the fundamental questions that so many women in today’s world ponder: What does it mean to be a woman?
Growing up in a broken home with an alcoholic father and overwhelmed mother, Eldredge has personally faced the universal questions surrounding what it is to be a woman, albeit through the warped prism that was her childhood experience. Believing that the only way to receive love was by being externally beautiful and talented, Eldredge spent her teenage years in particular with insecurities about her weight, her looks and her very identity. In moving passages, this young writer recalls how through drugs, alcohol and promiscuous lifestyles she sought the love and the affirmation that she never received at home. Her stories will be familiar to scores of women today. Striving to hide her insecurities, Eldredge became a strong adherent of the radical feminist movement in her early twenties. Stasi Eldredge sought to establish her fierce independence by rejecting God, men and family life. Finding that this lifestyle did not shield her from her past, nor insure her from future hurts, this young woman turned to God as her last hope.
In Captivating, Stasi Eldredge, with the help of her husband John, seeks to answer the universal questions that women face through insights and thoughts she developed on her own journey into recovering her femininity.
“[W]e know the expectations that have been laid upon us by our families, our churches, and our cultures. There are reams of materials on what you ought to do to be a good woman. But that is not the same thing as knowing what the journey toward becoming a woman involves, or even what the goal really should be.”
Many women look to their society, such as the media and the fashion tabloids to find the answer; others look to their church. These two sources often give conflicting advice. Eldredge however, suggesting a different point of view, calls women to look towards their own hearts, power of intuition and dreams to find the answer to the question of what it means to be a woman. She writes:
“Look at the games that little girls play, and if you can, remember what you dreamed of as a little girl. Look at the movies women love. Listen to your own heart and the hearts of the women you know. What is it that a woman wants? What does she dream of?”
There are, of course, many possible answers to these questions, but Eldredge narrows it down to three simple longings: to be romanced, to be irreplaceable, and to have a beauty to unveil. These desires are what needs to be addressed and remedied, in order to know what it means to be a woman.
To be Romanced
The desire for love is a universal call therefore common in the world. Throughout history, songs, poems, and paintings have been dedicated to the idea of love. Love is often depicted through the love that exists between a man and a woman. Why does a woman yearn to be pursued, to be romanced by a man? Eldredge claims that the reason women seek this is that they are looking for the answer to what has been their deepest question since childhood: Am I captivating? This question, sadly, is often left unanswered by the fathers, from whom they first seek to receive this affirmation. Due to the crisis in fatherhood today, in which many fathers are simply absent from their daughter’s lives, many women are left wondering whether they are worthy of love. Thousands of movies, music, magazines and books prey on this uncertainty in a woman’s heart, feeding her with lies of what she has to be and do in order to be desired; to be worthy of attention and love. It tells women that in order to be captivating, one must be seductive and physically beautiful, yet independent and successful. But why then do women who have achieved this in the world’s eyes still deal with loneliness and emptiness? Eldredge’s answer is simple and direct:
“The great Love Story the Scriptures are telling us about also reveals a Lover who longs for you. The story of your life is also the story of the long and passionate pursuit of your heart by the One who knows you best and loves you most. God has written the Romance not only on our hearts but all over the world around us.”
She supports this notion with scripture verses drawn from the Old Testament: “Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her” and “You have ravished my heart, my sister, my bride.” Eldredge claims that God placed that desire to be romanced in every woman’s heart so that all would seek Him to fulfill their longing, and would recognize God himself seeking intimacy with them.
To be Irreplaceable
“There is something fierce in the heart of a woman. Simply insult her children, her man, or her best friend and you’ll get a taste of it. A woman is a warrior too. But she is a warrior in a uniquely feminine way…Before doubt and and accusation take hold, most little girls sense that they have a vital role to play; they want to believe there is something in them that is needed and needed desperately.”
Eldredge boldly claims that while women want to be pursued and wanted, there is also in them something that desires to be heroic; to be part of something, with someone, bigger than themselves. While living in seclusion may be attractive, at her core, a woman is a social being because she is made in the image of God, who, consisting of the Trinity, is a social being. “Made in the perfect image of a perfect relationship, we are relational to the core of our beings and filled with a desire for transcendent purpose. We long to be an irreplaceable part of a shared adventure.” Eldredge means that just as the persons of the Trinity are essential to one another, so is that desire to be needed stamped on a woman’s soul as well. Therefore, if a woman feels as though she is not part of a “bigger plan” she feels that part of her being unfulfilled.
To be a Beauty Unveiled
Eldredge, reflecting on the woman’s desire to unveil a beauty, quotes from her husband’s book, Wild at Heart: “The reason a woman wants a beauty to unveil, the reason she asks, Do you delight in me? is that God does as well. God is captivating beauty. As David prays, “One thing I ask of the Lord, this I seek…that I may…gaze upon the beauty of the Lord” (Ps. 27:4). Can there be any doubt that God wants to be worshiped? That He wants to be seen, and for us to be captivated by what we see.” Just like the desires to be romanced and to be part irreplaceable in a great role a reflection of the Father’s heart, so is the desire to reflect and reveal beauty. There is no argument that God is beauty. Women are made to reflect the beauty of God; and her beauty is intended to draw all so that they may see God. This desire to unveil beauty is there simply because it is supposed to happen in a woman’s life.
The author goes on to show how these three desires can either be met and fulfilled, or rejected and abused, and that the reaction to these questions often determine whether whether a women considers herself a woman living up to her potential. She goes on to show, through personal stories and excerpts from other’s lives, that when these questions are not answered, it affects a woman’s heart.
In the end, however, Captivating is a book of hope. In it, Eldredge shows how God himself seeks to answer these questions in a deeply personal, intimate way for each of us, woman or man.
Stasi Eldredge does an excellent job in naming the “Big Questions” that haunt women in every age and race. One critique of the book stems from Eldredge’s failure to draw from the richness of the Church, especially in how the Church has wrestled with and ultimately helped to define authentic femininity. This leaves her book shallow in substance. Ultimately, Eldredge does what is most important, she draws the eyes of her female readers to the correct conclusion: that woman’s existence and worth must be founded and sustained in God.
“The longings God has written deep in your heart are telling you something essential about what it means to be a woman, and the life he meant for you to live. Now we know- many of those desires have gone unmet, or have been assaulted, or simply so neglected, that most women end up living two lives…But your heart is still there, crying out to be set free, to find the life your desires tell you of.”
Desires of a Heart:
A Review on Stasi and John Eldredge’s Book Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul
Bibliography
Eldredge, John, and Stasi Eldredge. Captivating : Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul. Danbury: Thomas Nelson Incorporated, 2007. 1-238.
Revised Standard Version Bible. 2nd ed. San Francisco: Ignatius P. 1+.